21 Maret 2017


when i got to my zone
and i started to write
though the cold seeps to my bone
the process always seems right

when a report is complete
or a note or an essay
there's nothing can compete
to the feels that "girl, you slay!"

ps: mid-year report, check. impulsive LPDP essay, check. supervision meeting notes, check. etc. etc. etc.

14 Maret 2017

after such contemplative post yesterday, i have officially reached the point where i've got so many things i wanna do yet more things i HAVE to do :'') lyfe.

13 Maret 2017

when life is more than it 'should' be

"Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides.." (1 Peter 4:10-11a)

it's quite funny that.. what i was thinking over today is related directly to what i read this evening. yea i should've done devotional reading in the morning but i woke up late today, etc. etc.

on friday, one of my supervisor asked me to come along to BSc. in petroleum engineering students' field trip. he's not expecting me to help in any ways, i might just come along and see. well i won't say no to a field trip wouldn't i? lol.

the thing is, on saturday, the day before the field trip, i volunteered for the Get Out Get Active (GOGA) thing in campus. it's kind of a sports community, which you can normally find international students in, because they are doing cool spo.rts around west yorkshire without any 'commitment.' for example, you can try cycling, orienteering, climbing, or simply just walking trips. some walking trips are quite hard, though, in term of steepness and length. so first part would be GOGA.

GOGA Ambleside - Lake District

it was only my first time being a volunteer. we've got 18 people and 4 volunteers in our group for a 'long' walk. only one of us have ever been to where we were (ambleside, lake district) but hmm....... well.... she doesn't really read maps or use compass. eek.

so i was the second person between the participants, she was the leader, but after about 30-45 minutes of hike, she felt really tired and did not feel really well so she asked me to lead. i thought to myself: how hard could it be?

turns out... it was quite.... hard.

because it wasn't like any other walks i have ever been to. there were choices, lots and lots of them. and you never really knew if you have arrived at the top, or facing an intersection, and blah blah blah because of the fog. the visibility was only about 4-5 meters ahead. the first time i hesitated, i asked her in advance.

"should we turn here?"

she said yes and all, and guess what, we went to the wrong direction -___-

another time i hesitated, i asked her again, and she said yes...... and the path just disappeared -_____- what was that all about.

so basically i needed to make decisions to turn around and find the 'right' path twice, and those two times she did not believe me. we event went into a small fight the second time because i was sure she was wrong, and she was reaaaallly sure that she was right. i would give it to her if it was only about stupid stuff, but this is concerning the safety of 22 people, including me and herself!

so i needed to be quite hard on it. it was still super foggy and we needed to arrive at the starting point by our designated time. and finally we were out of the fog and she decided to lead the way..... probably because she did not believe in me, funny huh? lol. but since the fog was fading and we were not walking in a path anymore (we arrived in a small village), i let her do it.....

and again, she made a wrong decision :'')

i was talking with another volunteer that..... doesn't read map either -___- but it's ok because she was not cocky, so that's nice ;) she told me that she have had 7-8 walks already but compared to the other volunteers, i am really good. aww :'')

beatrice: gaby, you're really good
me: really? i am actually quite... worried that people got disappointed as i directed them to the wrong direction... twice
beatrice: no, no, you should not think like that. you sorted it out. all the other volunteers, even the leaders could get lost sometimes and couldn't even get it right, so we needed to make turns and stuff.
me: oh really?
beatrice: yes. well, there are always people that are disappointed, but you don't have to think about them.

awww. that's so sweet. and just about that, i saw a 'public path' sign that the 'leader' missed.

me: nelly! (shouted)
nelly: yes.
me: should we go that way?
nelly: why should we go that way?

and a bit of fight, and blah blah then..

me: well if you wanna go that way it's also alright. we'll get there. but we basically won't go to the forests that you told me about.

and another hesitation and stuff but then....

nelly: alright we'll go that way.

another disappointed faces i've seen, but yea whatever. at least i pointed it out. and thank-God-i-pointed-it-out because the view that we would be missing if we did not turn to the 'public path,' phew! it's so breathtaking!

and we arrived, and i tried to be 'passive-agressive' to nelly but she seemed like she did not get what i was trying to express (i.e. it means YOU CAN'T RISK PEOPLE'S SAFETY AND YOU CAN'T READ MAPS). but yea whatever. we made it. i celebrated our arrival with two scoops of ice cream, yaay!

BSc. in Petroleum - 1st year Field Trip - Ingleton

i was quite disappointed to myself for not arriving 08:15, well, even though it is clearly stated that the bus would be leaving at 08:30, so i should not be ashamed for arriving around 08:22, no?

but yea. should've arrived earlier.

i was actually in this field trip only as a participant. but...... i don't know why... it's like a nature for me to teach. lol.

so i was with james, another phd student, he's just entered his final year. so he told me things that we are going to look at out in the field, how to read the geology map, what i should expect... and thankfully i have prepared a handful of printed stuff from the internet about ingleton, so could read it in the bus and james was like "oh yes, that picture is what i was telling you about."

the first stop was about dip and strike measurement. i remember om jeff had told me about that before, so i quickly browsed about it and.... voila, i remember. and it was only about reading maps, so it wasn't new at all. some students are confused already about where they are, how they relate what they see to the map that they are holding... simple stuff. funny thing is, maybe because i look like a 'senior' some of them still turn to me even though andrew had told them that it was my first time doing a geology field trip (i.e. i believe that most of them did not pay that much attention to what andrew was saying).

so, firstly, some girls turned to me asking, where is the river, what should we do, is this sketch correct, how should we use the compass..... those are basic questions and i could answer them......ish :'') but then people started to turn to me and ask stuff....... and words just flow. that was crazy, but it flowed nicely. quite nicely at least.

what i did actually was only listening to what andrew and richard (another lecturer) were talking about, see the maps and handouts, making sense of what he said, and boom! new knowledge!

it was cute when the students started to "sorry, i don't understand what we need to do here, would you explain?" or "is this correct?" or maybe i would simply ask their dip and strike measurement and made sure that it's around the right number........ i don't know... it was natural. and of course, when i got to the point where i couldn't answer, i told them to talk to andrew/richard, because most of them are... pretty scared of doing it :'')

probably because they are coming from various places: middle east (not really sure where but there are a lot of them, both men and women), angola (and other parts of africa, i think?), china, and of course UK. that's what was apparent at the very least. so... they might not used to asking/talking to a lecturer directly. it's only their first year anyway.

so yeah, even though neither andrew nor richard saw what i was doing, i felt helpful. and.... i don't know... it's just the best and favourite part of being a lecturer. you make people understand. and that's......... where my place is, i believe.


you know, people nowadays tend to reach for something that is called "passion." but.... passion is nothing without a purpose. every time i got the chance to teach something to someone.... i feel useful. i feel wanted. i feel like, i'm feeling a gap between 'not knowing' to 'knowing' into someone else's life and a "thank you" is just.. over the moon.

yea.. this is what i am good at and this is what people needs me to... i think... at least at this very time.

as i told you, i came as a newbie volunteer and i came home as a trustworthy one (at least three people thought that i am an experienced volunteer, lol). i came as a participant but i came home as a 'trainer.'

what better word could i describe than "nature?"

ps: i know, talent. but it's too much of a bigggg word to use. i'd rather call it as nature. lol. really hope that i will always be able to use it for good though :)

08 Maret 2017

time dilation

ever heard of time dilation? dilatasi waktu, in bahasa indonesia.

well basically, you've got two observers: one moving and one not moving. these two observers would observe time, and their observation would be different. voila! it's one of einstein's relativity core, the famous one.

i've experienced... kind of time dilations time after time these few weeks or so. everything moves faster and it's good! because i really look forward to other things ahead, just want to get rid of everything that is happening now already.

and the story goes...

monday i was pretty relaxed. did not have any specific targets as i already worked pretty hard on previous thursday and friday. i woke up late, i went to the gym around 10:30 or so, i met mba yulia to give my video recordings afterwards, had a random chat with bang jonta that we met near campus, ate lunch with my colleagues in the refectory, and start working in my desk around 15:00. that's super late, but that's ok..... or so i thought.

as one of my supervisor have not replied my mail about my mid-year meeting arrangement, i sent him another mail to check his availability. in less than 30 minutes i received a response:

"how about tomorrow 14:00?"

:''''') i cried both happily and unhappily, lol. so i re-contacted my two other supervisors as well as another supervisor from a company which data i am currently working on...... around 18:00 they have all said yes. well congrats, gabs!

so as you thought, i did everything i need to do for the meeting. thankfully i already prepared the report draft, the only thing that is missing are the results and some additional stuff that can be added later. so around those times (18:00ish) i contacted bintan to accompany me for quick dinner and chat before all the stress i would face. and, well, the results.... that's the thing i needed to show! i literally did not go home until........ 3? 4? i don't recall. but it is probably after 2.

the plan was to arrive early morning to continue working, but apparently i have reached my goal for the night so..... i slept in again -____-

i only went to the office around 11:00, furnish my data here and there, prepare the presentation, and heck i made it ;p and unbelievably, the meeting went good, at least from my point of view. there were no apparent doubt from any of my supervisors and... i can continue :)

then chris, my main supervisor came to my desk around 17:00 or so to discuss technicals furthermore, and he asked me to be a demonstrator (computer lab assistant) for his class earlier today! guess what i was reaallly glad ;p i said yes directly and cancel my field trip plan, i'd rather teach than learn, i've learnt too much already, lol.

so yea, as usual i went to the gym in the morning, i did some stuff at my desk, then i did demonstration, had another lunch break with some colleagues, and here :) oh, i will watch two cool theater shows tomorrow. so excited! oh yea, i had a meeting with PPI UK last night too. how productive.

it's only wednesday but it feels like friday already. i don't know why. so so so excited for days ahead!

ps: i contacted chris again, to let him know about my holiday plan. guess what, he's having a holiday in almost the exact same time i will be having one, so it is approved ;) YEAAAAYY!

04 Maret 2017

the thought of quitting

life is full of choices. and opportunities. and when something goes wrong or does not go as planned, it's human nature to look for something else.

thoughts like, does this even matter? what difference would it make if i call it off? what could i have become if i did not choose this path in the first place? what else is there in this world? am i missing out?

not once i have ever thought of quitting what i am doing right now. truth to be told, yes, it is like a cycle. monthly, or at least every two months if i am lucky. there's just a lot of uncertainty. is this project worth it? will the results even matter? will this ever be finished? should i do something other than this, like, other projects? and again, am i missing out?

moreover, there are still uncertainty after i am finished. what will i do afterwards? am i really sure about what i am going to do? and again, and again, and again, am i missing out?

as an emotional management, i tried to contact my friends, my relatives, just about anyone who i felt quite close to and/or those who i believe have the knowledge on what i am facing right now. i am pretty lucky being surrounded by various people with different point of views, but still have one conclusion: quitting will not solve any problem.

a genius friend of mine named ghazi convinced me that, i could only call it quit if i have better plan. i told him all of my doubts and opportunities that i might be missing in the upcoming three years of my life, yet he said "well for me, that does not sound like a plan."

he reminded me about the time i have invested for what i have become right now, and simply it's a shame to call it quit. "you are one of few people who are doing what you are doing right now. you're already in a path of becoming an academia and why would you waste it for something that is actually have less certainty than you thought it would?"

and about relationship yadda yadda yadda i talked to albert. simply he told me "IF YOU QUIT WE ARE FRIENDS NO MORE. PERIOD." lol but yea we ended up on nothing there. everything we talk about when we got to the "relationship" part of discussion is kind of illusive. well, truth to be told, this relationship-thingy is also something that has been holding me back. but again it is not enough reason to call it quit.

so what do we do? do we have to continue our way to the end? do we need to stop for while? do you really need to quit?

all i can say now is.... time will tell.

and don't forget to pray :)
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