03 Oktober 2017


nulis bhs endonesa gapapa yaaaaa some shitty stuff is on the way soalnya, memalukan bangsa dan negara kalok gue nulisnya enggris :'')

sooo aku sudah tahun kedua! sudah cukup lama sebenarnya, namun progress projek masih lamban. selain karena running-an kadang takes time, my head juga suka suka aja gitu hidupnya. malassssss kerja terus"an. progress ada, pasti. pokoknya harian ada target tercapai walau sangat kecil. sedikit lebih baik dari tidak sama sekali! namun...

sejak aku ngasisten, semua berubah! hahaha.

jadi gue ngasisten dua modul at least sampe akhir okt: geodynamics, dan... fundamentals of geophysics.


jadi untuk modul tersebut, aslinya gue apply buat modul lain yang basically ngasistennya adalah ya praktikum matlab. bisa donk gue. jago donk. asik asik joss. namun si module leadernya malah menawarkan "kalo fundamentals of geophysics aja, mau ngga? gue butuh asisten banyak di sini." terus gue pede iya-in. i mean, ini matkul undergrad, what could go wrong.....

...or could it? lol.

oke, tutorial pertama: ..what have i gotten myself into.

isinya persamaan persamaan gitu HAHAHAHAHA JENIUS. simple sebenernya, gue pernah ngerjain itu, pernah banget, BUT HOWWW.


karena matkul lain, si plate tectonics, materinya cenderung lebih simple, tapi waktu interaksinya 2 jam. and-oh-it-was-a-lot-better. jadi gue bener" bisa ngobrol, jelasin satu", kalo salah dikit bisa "oop sorry it should be begini begini." LAH INI. salah dikit i will tell myself "DAMN I FUCKED UPP" berlanjut pengen jedotin kepala ke tembok. ntahlah. tatapan tatapan demanding para dedek dedek menekan batinku hahaha.

dan somehow, gue jadi lebih fokus utk belajar bahan" buat ngasisten. worst part is: i actually enjoyed it :''')

jadi kayak, waktu gue untuk ngerjain projek jadi berkurang, mostly gue fokus belajar dan mengajar, walau secara kontrak waktu belajar mengajar gue itu hanya 5.5 jam/minggu (termasuk persiapan) but i absolutely spent more on preparation. A LOT MORE. terutama buat si fundamentals of geophysics. rusuh bro! hahaha.

dan buruknya lagi, ini anak" dibagi dalam 3 grup. tiap grup dpt tutor yang beda". GUE TAKUT DITINGGAL MAHASISWA :'''( takut mereka prefer tutor lain. gatauuuuu kenapa si gue :'')

oke i need to have my harga diri back. i might screwed up, but slowly i won't. pelan. pelan. ku akan membuat mereka mengerti, dan jika mereka benar pergi, mereka akan menyesallllllll!!!! ahahaha apa sih.

oke sekian hari ini.

12 September 2017

new (academic) year

i do romanticize about this place lately.. missing it.. and the people in it.. (alodia, 2013)

when i wrote down the caption i was like, what, 2013? four years already?! :'')

it's never enough isn't it? lol.

i'd like to talk about how i feel about life right now, and how i am in a very, very comfortable position. even though there are still times when i'd like to bang my head to the wall. still many, many times.

new academic year! phew. i need to get used to having so many people around, again. i really like these past few months. well, since june to be honest. not many people around at work, only interacting with people i am used to interacting with, nothing crazy. but i do like these past few days, especially.

so i randomly took a first aid certification. to be honest, i am not in the state when i've got much money but hey, this is a moment. so spent 80 bucks for a full 2-day training, and it was worth it. it was one of the best training i have ever had and so much fun! i am so happy taking that opportunity. i can't emphasize it more.

the first year was great. not excellent, but great. four out of five. i did what i wanted to do, and i know where i'd like to belong. ..kind of :) and i am starting to teach this semester, yaay! no biggie, not many hours, just a way to kick off my skills.

skills, skills. cool, huh?

after interacting with more and more people here, i don't think age matter anymore. i met phd students with much older age than me who are still doing stuff with undergrads, i met masters students who are also older than me but still willing to learn, i met really, really wonderful undergrads with lots of skills and compassion. and again, that realization that 'a job is just a job' came.

funny story. i was talking to a friend about jobs the other day. he is graduating his masters and applying for a job here and there. i told him, i've still got 2-3 years here, i'm not applying these times. and voila, there's an opening for 17.400 governmental position (so-called PNS) starting from this day! boom!

what's so funny about that? well, the only job that i really, really want is to be a lecturer in ITB. still. from. 2010. to. now. nothing changed. i talked to my other friends about the processes: we HAVE to choose only ONE position and basically, once you're in you're in. no career change whatsoever...

...not so motivating, eh?

i went through the application and found soooo many 'geodesi' here and there. hmm. this must be from multiple universities. but only ONE, or maximum two, will be accepted in each institution. and VOILA! NO GEODESY FOR ITB! :''')

i was SOOO HAPPY that i didn't HAVE to go home AGAIN lololololllll. i don't want to miss my first weeks here, teaching students, volunteering for GOGA, bhangra practices, too many things to miss out!

the other day dian sent me that there IS an opening (non-governmental...ish?) for geodesy in ITB. only one. for PhD. well i'm not down with that, just yet. i know some people who are currently more qualified. it would be a waste of time and money to do that now anyway. oh, why was i worried about the PNS thingy? because the qualification was 'only' a masters degree :'') didn't want to miss that out.

and... yea. age does not matter. indonesians are used to posting old pictures with "some kgs ago" or "when i was skinny" ...stuff like that. but isn't it basically our fault, if we didn't maintain our own body? me too, i was lazy AF when i was in undergrad. i have just realized the importance of our own fitness since the start of my phd! i am a 25+ now, i realize how my body is wearing out, but i see older people who still maintain their health by doing sports and eating healthy. that's how i want my life to be!

not only physically, mentally. youth mentality is super duper important. always open to something new, not closing up, the will to explore. isn't that the thing we need to survive? and yea, i do need to save money for my future. short-term, probably. i spent most of my money for my dreams last year so these two coming years, the goal is to save, as i am not able to gain just yet.

so yea. second year phd, here i come :)

13 Juli 2017

things i still would like to do

1. learn classical piano. i stopped at age... 12, i guess? and i'd like to revisit.
2. take a dance class. a serious one.
3. take a singing class, just to know the basic techniques.
4. make kind of a Get Out Get Active thing, wherever i will be based in after grad school.
5. get married, so i can do the laendler dance ;p

besides, as a foreigner (or maybe, perantau), apparently i cannot put myself into most of my friends' position who have been talking about: house(s), investment(s), steady job, career path, etc. i was really confused at first (especially the time i got home late 2015s to late 2016s). i put my head directly this 'very indonesian' way of thinking and ended up..... even more confused.

i was a bit relieved when i know, ok, i had someone (yep, had, not anymore) so at least i have someone to plan a future with. we, well, more or less had similar vision (as simple as 'where our home will be) so i could already count how much i should save the following years but then BAM! we finished.

now i am counting what i've got and how much i should save. i don't really have time or energy to think about investments so... i let it go. i respond only to trusted friends about this. so what i do now is just the things i did during my master's degree: living as cheap as possible and travel if the proportion is right. so even though i am not "muterin" my money, i've got some savings.

perkara bisa beli rumah ato ngga, gue kesampingkan sama sekali. at least i'll still have my parents' home when i got home for good, and cicilan does not sound that scary to me. and since wealth is never in my mind, i do not really think about buying lands or stuff.... just yet.

another interesting thing is.. i do not care about my career path anymore. it's true. i found out that... jobs are jobs. they are there to pay rent, to buy food, etc. it does not have to be fulfilling and it does not have to be 'only one.' so what i am investing myself in right now is: skills. i am learning bhangra (so i might open a class someday), i am keeping my body fit (so i might do a part-time job as a fitness or zumba instructor), and joining activity clubs like theaters and get out get active. i don't know, i am not that good at making money by 'sitting' i guess :'') it must involve movement.

i am not that good in research either, the only target i am running to now is just to 'pass.' the rest are.. just the rest. after some realization, the dream was to travel, not to become a great scientist after all. so the fact that i could even brought my family here was already very super duper better than expected :)

so yeah.. the rest... are just bonus. yeay.

02 Juni 2017

suddenly harrison (again)

i've been listening to the beatles since junior high, back in early 2000s. simply because i thought it was cool. i played the guitar already back then, i have an uncle who is really close and i think he was the one who mentioned this band the first time while we were going round and round in his car one day.

then i met irma, a fellow guitarist who apparently loveesss the beatles. she was a george fangirl since day one, and i was still this young girl who was mesmerized both by paul and john. to be fair john is the most good looking one ;p and paul? well he's interesting because he's a left-hander. lol.

years after i still listen to beatles' music. the more i grew, the more i listen to their later days music. back in junior high i only listened to their black-and-white days like hard day's night (i even watched the film too! borrowed the dvd from irma), she loves you, with some other 'hit song' in their later days like hey jude. those which chord progressions were quite simple for a little girl to play on her guitar. now i am just... amazed of how this group could really grow from such a 'fangirl-based' thing to real grown-up musicians, as probably their fanbase were grown up too.

unlike other musicians, beatles always have a space in my heart (and my mind) which is like, always there ever since. every time i listen to one of their songs, it's like meeting an old friend and talking to them. slowly i became a fangirl who started to look for their histories, why they broke up, the 'paul is dead' rumour, etc. etc.

and suddenly i bumped into this song.

what, george? he had a solo? no wayy.

and this song is soooo goooood. it fits well in my soul, if i could exaggerate a bit. especially when you know what 'he could meant' by changing 'hallelujah' to the 'hare krishna' chant by the end.

how do i know that? well it was the last years of my master's degree (mid-2015), i was writing a thesis, i needed something to read other than textbooks and i just started googling. about harrison.... and he was cool. like, really cool. i have always thought it was lennon who brought indian vibe to the songs (well he did brought the 'LSD' vibe in their songs in sgt. peppers, lol), but apparently it was george! and i started to look for songs that are composed by harrison.......... those are really, really good songs. they have this progression in which lennon's and mccartney's songs do not have, as they are more.. hmm.. pop, i guess?

i even managed to find a movie titled 'george harrison: living the material world,' which was apparently a NEW movie, directed by who? MARTIN SCORSESE!

GEOOORGE! and this movie was made in 2011. 2011, guys!

it is mostly lots of footage and photographs of harrison, his tale, everything. oh, lots of interviews from his closest to. basically, it's his life compiled in one movie!

then yesterday, i accidentally bumped into harrison, once more. well not harrison really. it started with this crazy footage of how yoko ono kinda 'ruined' chuck berry and lennon's duet.

another revelation, guys, another revelation. i've just found out that apparently this woman...... is crazy. she is....... no artist. like, honestly. she even made lennon's first son, julian, buy lennon's old stuff after he passed away from the shooting! that is just. disgusting. but we won't talk about her now.

i accidentally found some footage of harrison's old interviews, and this one is my favourite.

i was listening to this interview while working on my data (it has been 2-3 days of iterative stuff which needs endurance rather than 'brain') and thought. man, starr must've been the ultimate friendzoned man ever :') just listen to him, who doesn't want to be friends with this guy! he's hilarious!

and george was too!

so yea. this inner fangirl still does alive. it only became stronger. liverpool is only a stone's throw away, but i am not ready just yet. i think i will need someone to take care of me, at the very least, while i will be fangirling alllll the way. meanwhile, i'll stay here. in leeds.

25 April 2017

PhD life for me: what makes it hard

now every single time i got sick of my phd project, one of the things that i like to do to cheer myself up is to look back to how far i have walked to this day..... but instead of cheering me up, it sometimes made the sickness even worse :')

so what is it that makes this life is a lot harder than i thought it would be?

#1 i am going through this by myself. all this. 
i am not saying that i didn't receive any help whatsoever, but from the beginning to the end, it is me who plan things, it is me who decide what to do step by step, and it is me who should be answering questions. there will be a lot of "it is me" sentences i could elaborate here, including lots and lots and lots of trial and errors with the software you are not familiar of and how you can import, export, re-import, and re-export certain data in a format that could be read and written by different packages of software. my supervisor is always there to discuss, especially for problems that are extremely technical and iterative, but for questionable results, let us repeat, it is me who should find out why it behaves that certain way.

all-by-myseellffff. dowonebee. alll-by-myyyyseeelfff. anemmmooohhhh!!!!

#2 there are just too many things to read. 
when i first got to this project, i was excited AF in reading lots and lots of references related to my area of research. but the more i know, the more i am curious, the more papers i downloaded, the less time i actually have to finish them all. yes, my way of reading have evolved in a certain way so i could skip unimportant parts of such paper..... and i have managed to minimize the need to google every single unfamiliar geological term as they have become more and more familiar to me. but still. sometimes i just can't control the amount of papers i wanna read, while the data sets are there, in my PC, waiting to be touched. i. just. can't.

#3 finding constructive people. 
look. when you're a phd student, you are considered as one of the brightest person in your area........ while i never really see myself that way. so, these consciously bright people, unlike me, take everything so lightly. mid-year report? naah, don't worry, it's nothing. first-year report and meeting (kind of a...... defense)? naah, it's nothing, chances you're going to fail is too little to be worried about. i don't know why, it's quite hard to find people in the same year as i am who are as worried sick as myself and, you know, willing to share and talk about our progress seriously. i do have constructive colleagues from other departments, but come on, who knows better than the people in the same department? but well.. sometimes it's about expertise as well. you can't really talk with just any people, even though there are, a-lot-of-them. and from those many people, i have only found one person, who is truly, truly humble, helpful, and 'speaks the same language' as i do (not literally, i mean, we could understand each other's project so we could have that 'window of discussion'). one. one!

#4 as i have experienced working in companies, the daily tension is not as constant.
it is really hard to keep my working pace stable while no significant achievements could be made in a short term period. in companies, people are used to work on repetitive tasks with slightly different phenomenon and troubleshoot faced. in a phd project, everything is troubleshoot. everything is phenomenon. every single thing is a why. hence, it is really, really tiresome for a still overly-practical person inside this scientist-masked face of mine. i need certainty! i need accomplishments!

#5 facing the fact that... i am already that far.
the easiest thought that would pop off my head is always: to quit. done. bye. see ya. but i am so thankful that i could still find constructive people surrounding me, though it's getting harder and harder to find someone you can actually talk to, sincerely. every single time i feel like i wanna quit, i take a look at my age. i take a look at my peer's age. as we're peers, we're about the same age. but we have went quite different ways. most of my friends who started as professional, continues as professional, with better position and/or pay-off, of course. those who chose academic path, have even went ahead more rapidly than i am. me? though my pace is slower, i have already stepped this far in the academia world. if i turned back, i would lose.... those 5 years since my graduation in 2012. 5 years honey, 5 years! ...so yea, it is such a burden to me... to finish what i have started.

hence, the road is still..... far ahead. i took this path with full consciousness. yes i know it's getting harder and much more complicated than expected. but...... Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9).

may God bless whatever it is He plans for this annoying child of His.
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