23 Juli 2015

fixing up plans

"i'm an alien, i'm a legal alien. i'm an englishman in new york." - popularized by sting

well well, what a mess :')

i have not been writing anything except my life these days, so sorry for rambling about stuff that you would probably not care at all ;p but it's my blog haha!

when i told you about "fixing up plans," i wasn't telling you about how i fix plans as in, i am making those plans fixed for the upcoming future. what i meant was, i am fixing them. as in, some parts are broken, some parts are falling apart, so i need to fix them.


i never know why i have always had a big drive in my life. like, every step, i set a goal, even the cheesiest, most unimportant ones. and i really give my best to reach it, that well, sometimes, made me forgot about the greater power. well you know what i mean.

lately i've been living in between. you know, not being 'that good' anymore made me realize that, well, there will always be people who are better than you in this world and there is no point on competing anymore. yea yea i always told myself that "i am competing with my own self" but guess what, unconsciously i have always been competing to the people around me. not a 'rude' kind of competing, but it's more like "oh they have done this, what have i done" competing. you know, things that would make my self esteem drop waaaay low.

so i started to live a little bit, well, loosen up. get everything in a different pace, taking things slow, 'till at some point i realized, i was far behind. not behind people, but behind my "shoulda-coulda-wouldas." so instead of thinking straight, i did almost exactly what i've done back when i looked for a master's course: taking aaaanything that would be thrown at me as long as i would get that doctorate degree. like, anything. well, almost.

"we should not lower our expectations. like, we should not get used to that. because then we will always get the one that is located in the lowest layer of our expectation." - firmansyah a.k.a pimen, somewhere in 2012

so, after sprint-running in the direction of "any-frikkin-way," i have decided to, well, take things slower. not to stop, not to lower my expectation, but to fix the plans ahead. i mean, what i am having right now is actually the best scenario ever. both for the things that have past, things that are happening, and things that are going to happen.

lately i've been thinking that, well, God has always been building my character harder and harder everyday with His own way. i mean, He wanted me to be hurt, He wanted me to be confused, He wanted me to be panic. all those things, only to make me a stronger, better person. even though, well, i never really feel that "special" anymore. not after seeing, talking to, and witnessing all these talents that He has created to His people that i met. everyone has their own way to shine. yes the sun is bright. but there won't be the elegance of the night if the earth didn't turn its face off once in a while ;p

so, plans? yup, still got it. i would be dead without having any time tables in my life. like seriously. i've already planned the upcoming months from now on aaand i'm so excited! and yes, looking back to the former plans that have been crossed, both in my phone calendar or my daily book, has always been such a great pleasure ;p

oh, apart from the sun, you know those cute little stars? they might be bigger that the sun, you know.

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