28 Maret 2017

that monthly/two-monthly cycle of being stressed out, the urge to just quit and cut everything off?

currently happening. right. now. here. in cyprus.

i need some sleep.

21 Maret 2017

amazed

when i got to my zone
and i started to write
though the cold seeps to my bone
the process always seems right

when a report is complete
or a note or an essay
there's nothing can compete
to the feels that "girl, you slay!"

ps: mid-year report, check. impulsive LPDP essay, check. supervision meeting notes, check. etc. etc. etc.

14 Maret 2017

after such contemplative post yesterday, i have officially reached the point where i've got so many things i wanna do yet more things i HAVE to do :'') lyfe.

08 Maret 2017

time dilation

ever heard of time dilation? dilatasi waktu, in bahasa indonesia.

well basically, you've got two observers: one moving and one not moving. these two observers would observe time, and their observation would be different. voila! it's one of einstein's relativity core, the famous one.

i've experienced... kind of time dilations time after time these few weeks or so. everything moves faster and it's good! because i really look forward to other things ahead, just want to get rid of everything that is happening now already.

and the story goes...

monday i was pretty relaxed. did not have any specific targets as i already worked pretty hard on previous thursday and friday. i woke up late, i went to the gym around 10:30 or so, i met mba yulia to give my video recordings afterwards, had a random chat with bang jonta that we met near campus, ate lunch with my colleagues in the refectory, and start working in my desk around 15:00. that's super late, but that's ok..... or so i thought.

as one of my supervisor have not replied my mail about my mid-year meeting arrangement, i sent him another mail to check his availability. in less than 30 minutes i received a response:

"how about tomorrow 14:00?"

:''''') i cried both happily and unhappily, lol. so i re-contacted my two other supervisors as well as another supervisor from a company which data i am currently working on...... around 18:00 they have all said yes. well congrats, gabs!

so as you thought, i did everything i need to do for the meeting. thankfully i already prepared the report draft, the only thing that is missing are the results and some additional stuff that can be added later. so around those times (18:00ish) i contacted bintan to accompany me for quick dinner and chat before all the stress i would face. and, well, the results.... that's the thing i needed to show! i literally did not go home until........ 3? 4? i don't recall. but it is probably after 2.

the plan was to arrive early morning to continue working, but apparently i have reached my goal for the night so..... i slept in again -____-

i only went to the office around 11:00, furnish my data here and there, prepare the presentation, and heck i made it ;p and unbelievably, the meeting went good, at least from my point of view. there were no apparent doubt from any of my supervisors and... i can continue :)

then chris, my main supervisor came to my desk around 17:00 or so to discuss technicals furthermore, and he asked me to be a demonstrator (computer lab assistant) for his class earlier today! guess what i was reaallly glad ;p i said yes directly and cancel my field trip plan, i'd rather teach than learn, i've learnt too much already, lol.

so yea, as usual i went to the gym in the morning, i did some stuff at my desk, then i did demonstration, had another lunch break with some colleagues, and here :) oh, i will watch two cool theater shows tomorrow. so excited! oh yea, i had a meeting with PPI UK last night too. how productive.

it's only wednesday but it feels like friday already. i don't know why. so so so excited for days ahead!

ps: i contacted chris again, to let him know about my holiday plan. guess what, he's having a holiday in almost the exact same time i will be having one, so it is approved ;) YEAAAAYY!

04 Maret 2017

the thought of quitting

life is full of choices. and opportunities. and when something goes wrong or does not go as planned, it's human nature to look for something else.

thoughts like, does this even matter? what difference would it make if i call it off? what could i have become if i did not choose this path in the first place? what else is there in this world? am i missing out?

not once i have ever thought of quitting what i am doing right now. truth to be told, yes, it is like a cycle. monthly, or at least every two months if i am lucky. there's just a lot of uncertainty. is this project worth it? will the results even matter? will this ever be finished? should i do something other than this, like, other projects? and again, am i missing out?

moreover, there are still uncertainty after i am finished. what will i do afterwards? am i really sure about what i am going to do? and again, and again, and again, am i missing out?

as an emotional management, i tried to contact my friends, my relatives, just about anyone who i felt quite close to and/or those who i believe have the knowledge on what i am facing right now. i am pretty lucky being surrounded by various people with different point of views, but still have one conclusion: quitting will not solve any problem.

a genius friend of mine named ghazi convinced me that, i could only call it quit if i have better plan. i told him all of my doubts and opportunities that i might be missing in the upcoming three years of my life, yet he said "well for me, that does not sound like a plan."

he reminded me about the time i have invested for what i have become right now, and simply it's a shame to call it quit. "you are one of few people who are doing what you are doing right now. you're already in a path of becoming an academia and why would you waste it for something that is actually have less certainty than you thought it would?"

and about relationship yadda yadda yadda i talked to albert. simply he told me "IF YOU QUIT WE ARE FRIENDS NO MORE. PERIOD." lol but yea we ended up on nothing there. everything we talk about when we got to the "relationship" part of discussion is kind of illusive. well, truth to be told, this relationship-thingy is also something that has been holding me back. but again it is not enough reason to call it quit.

so what do we do? do we have to continue our way to the end? do we need to stop for while? do you really need to quit?

all i can say now is.... time will tell.

and don't forget to pray :)
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